Bang Bang

R.I.P, B.B.

Suggesting Answering Machine Messages

*We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to you, pending credit approval.
*You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
*Hello. This is {name}. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."
*Hello. I'm {name}'s answering machine. What are you?"
*(Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
*In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your penance. Thank you and may God go with you.
*Hi this is {name}. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
*This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.

Srecan Bajram, Bozic, Nova Godina, Hristos se rodi - svima iz Zenice.

Merry Christmas!

A little boy sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

Real Universal Soldier

Folk singer Donovan, 61, announced plans to open the Invincible Donovan University in his native Scotland to advance Transcendental Meditation teachings, asserting that a critical mass of practitioners (concentrating in unison) can cause society to reduce its crime, violence and stress (he said the critical mass for improving a small country like Scotland would be only 250 meditators).
Think happy thoughts, people!

Remember London... 1985

Let's catch nasty Santa!

Those weirdoes!
Canada's post office and police are trying to track down a "rogue elf" who wrote obscene letters to children on behalf of Santa Claus. At least 10 nasty letters had been delivered to little girls and boys in Ottawa who wrote to Santa this year care of the North Pole, which has a special H0H 0H0 Canadian postal code. Return letters from Santa are in fact written by an 11,000-strong army of Canada Post employees and volunteers. Canada Post's popular "Write to Santa" program - which last year delivered more than a million letters to children in Canada and around the world - has been shut down in Ottawa until the offender is caught.

Gary Moore

Southern thinking

Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.'
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.
'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.'
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?
'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'

Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

Arkansas:
A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'

General:
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

Bad Co.

Sooo, what's happening around the Globe lately...

*The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency made a special announcement in October that it is once again safe to eat squirrels in New Jersey. (Good to know!)

*As protesters gathered at colleges around the US to criticize federal budget cutbacks that would raise the price of subsidized birth control at student health services, one University of New Mexico student described the imminent horror: "(Students shouldn't) have to make a choice between their birth control and their cell phone bill or their birth control and their gym membership ..." (There, you have it!)

*Armin Meiwes, the German gourmet-cannibal who was convicted in 2004 of killing, filleting and eating an apparently willing victim whom he had met via the Internet, gave his first extensive interview from prison in October to German TV and mentioned in passing that his sauteed morsels "tasted like pork, a little ... bitter, stronger." And in November, a Green Party activist who visits Meiwes' prison told a reporter that Meiwes had been elected by fellow inmates as a discussion leader on environmental, tax and legal issues and was demonstrating his commitment to Green Party principles by eating mostly vegetarian meals. (I must have misinterpreted this Party's principles earlier on...)

They're back!

After their sensational comeback at London's O2 arena on Monday night, rumours are now rife Led Zeppelin are set to embark on a world tour, which could net them a massive £1 billion. All ticket sellers have been told a world tour will take place, there's just some ironing out of contracts to be done. They are already talking about playing venues like Knebworth and Glastonbury. They were looking to do it in March but now it will most likely be May. The band were really fired up and were talking about their late drummer John Bonham and what he would have thought about it - it was time for reflection. Earlier this week, Plant fuelled tour speculation, saying: "It wouldn't be such a bad idea for Led Zeppelin to play together from time to time." Page has previously stated: "It's a bit selfish to do just one show. If that's it, we probably shouldn't have taken the genie out of the bottle." If the tour does go ahead drummer Jason Bonham, who replaced his late father John Bonham for the reunion, is expected to join the original trio.

The Cult

Macedonian Nectar

In 1916 French troops were hunkered down close to Gradesnica, Macedonia. French army had packed copious supplies of wine and cognac to keep out the cold. The German artillery shell exploded in their midst, wiping them all out, but for some odd reason the liquor store was unscathed by the explosion and lay undiscovered and undrunk for a while. Then, about 15 years ago Stefan Kovacevski stumbled across a case of the liquor. While the wine may have seen better decades (being buried in Macedonia is not the recommended storage technique for wine) the brandy is designed for long term maturation and was delicious. And more cases/bottles have turned up periodically since then - while ploughing, or just looking for a stray glint or two. And now the hunt is on in earnest. This nectar of the Gods is now worth about $5000 a bottle, so a case is worth enough to cover your luxurious vacation costs. Question is, how do you find this buried treasure? Truffles also lie hidden under the ground and are sought by special truffle hounds or pigs. They have to be muzzled to prevent them eating the treasure they have just unearthed...;~)

Los Lobos

Useful Labels

*On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...a bit late, huh!)
*On Sainsbury's peanuts - "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
*On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine - "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head colds off those bulldozers.)
*On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
*On a Sears hairdryer - Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
*On a bag of Fritos - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
*On a bar of Dial soap - "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
*On packaging for a Rowenta iron - "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
*On Nytol Sleep Aid - "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because???)
*On most brands of Christmas lights - "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
*On a Japanese food processor - "Not to be used for the other use."
(help me on this...)
*On an American Airlines packet of nuts - "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
*On a child's Superman costume - "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
*On a Swedish chainsaw - "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(OMG...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

XYu - Djavoli

I'm Dreaming of a Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus:
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Ed Norton

Edward Norton's acting career has thrown him into a number of roles over the years, from scary skinheads to his most recent role, a man who turns green and busts everything up. But now he's onto something else, courtesy of Hulk co-star Tim Blake Nelson. Variety reports that Norton will play dual roles in the upcoming comedic thriller, Leaves of Grass - a project Nelson wrote and will act in. Plot details haven't been released yet, but: "Norton will play identical twins - one an Ivy League classics professor, and the other a hedonistic, pot-smoking career criminal." Nelson has got to be relieved. He said that if Norton had declined, "there would have been no second choice."

My favourite Norton's movies: Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club, The Illusionist

Fantastic actor, this fella! He knows how to pick his movies, too.

Carlos / Eric

Euro 2008

The Tournament will take place in Austria and Switzerland between June 7 and 29. The official slogan is "Expect Emotions". Check out the group of death - C (Italy and France again? Can we expect a headbutt revanche?)

Holy Smoke!

A Greek Orthodox nunnery was turned into a marijuana plantation by two men posing as gardeners for elderly nuns. Acting on a tip-off, police raided the nunnery in the village of Filiro, near the northern port city of Thessaloniki, and found more than 30 large cannabis plants in the enclosed garden. The nuns did not know what they were and assumed they were large decorative plants.
Police "did not arrest the nuns" (?!) and have launched a hunt for the culprits.

Dennis Edwards

Super-Hicks

If anyone can equal Amy Winehouse in drinking, then that is the younger version of former Guns’n’Roses guitar player, Slash. Slash (42) stated that up until a few years ago he could be without problem Amy’s drinking buddy. "Amy continuously talks about how much she drinks, and once I could do that as well. If I were still into drink, I am sure that we would be of good company for one another", Slash said.

Special Dental Treatment

*In November, a California administrative judge sided with state dental authorities and suspended Dr. Mark Anderson's license, following complaints by female patients that he had massaged their chests to treat a jaw disorder. Anderson's lawyer, citing alleged dental journal articles, had asserted that jaw pain was related not only to pectoral muscles but even calf muscles. (In November, Anderson was also indicted for sexual battery against patients.)

*Let's stick with dentists for awhile...

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible rush. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." .

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.