Simon said it

*On his 15 minutes of fame:
My act is going to run out fairly quickly. There's no question of that.
*Describing Marianna Riccio's version of "Should I Stay or Should I Go":
You sounded like Cher after she's been to the dentist.
*Gloating over Sanjaya:
I thought the whole Sanjaya thing was hysterical. I'm happy now because he's out. I don't think I'd be happy if he was in the finals, so I can now be quite smug about it.
*Simon reveals his secret desire for more sass from "Idol" contestants:
I encourage [back talk]. I don't think they do it enough because I think they all think they're going to be voted off if they're rude to me. I think it's the opposite. I think the more rude they are to me, the more votes they'll get .... I think it should be two-way. If I'm rude to them, they're more than entitled to be rude to me back.
*Admitting he isn't always a big fan of his fellow judge:
I don't think Paula will be having my children. Sometimes I just don't like her.
*Explaining how 'American Idol' could have given Britney Spears an extreme makeover:
We will take her under our wing for six months and we will produce a new Britney Spears [We'll] keep her away from her stupid friends [and] buy her some underwear.
*Serving up a rare, if backhanded, compliment to Taylor Hicks:
You're like every dad who's ever got drunk at a wedding ... got on stage and sang. The difference is, you can sing.
*To a tuneless contestant whose green sweater is a fashion no-no
Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean I'm not being rude but you look like the Incredible Hulk's wife.
*Taking down another tuneless wonder:
Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf.
*On why he'll never be father of the year:
I don't want babies the same way I wouldn't want a puppy. It's too much responsibility.
* Revealing he has an unlikely role model:
I actually really like Donald Trump. I think he's entertaining. There are so many unhappy billionaires, and he's a happy one with a great sense of humor. I didn't think I'd like him. I like people [who] don't take themselves too seriously.
*To 'Idol' reject Steve Thoen following an ear-splitting version of 'Bohemian Rhapsody':
It was possibly the weirdest audition I've heard in my life. It was like a 1-year-old singing that song. It was weird. It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100 meter sprint. I may be a great coach, but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it. This is just ridiculous, if you don't mind me saying.
*Rationalizing the agonizing reign of Sanjaya:
I like crazy. The panel is wacky, and therefore I think the contestants should be a bit strange as well.
*Explaining his plain-talking methods:
All we're doing is telling people who don't have a chance in hell that they don't have a chance in hell.
*Admitting he missed a great opportunity:
I was once offered money to judge somebody in bed, a couple. And I stupidly turned it down. It was about 100 grand, and I should have taken the money, because it would be a much more interesting story.

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