In Aid to Economy

In the midst of widespread unemployment in Sweden, the Haxriket i Norden company announced it would hire 20 professional witches well-versed in tarots, crystals, herbs, exorcism, and "contact with the other side," in the expectation that desperate consumers increasingly would require counseling.
If this doesn't help - nothing else will!




Some one-liner pearls on economy:

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.(Jay Leno)

Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go.(Jon Stewart)

Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring.(Stephen Colbert)

Examples of how US may have gotten into trouble

Testimonials of a DC Airport Ticket Agent:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." "The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

Olympic Quotes

Some comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics they probably like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh, my God, what have I just said?"

Kids In Church

3-year-old Reese :
Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.

A little boy was overheard praying:
Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied:
That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.

One particular four-year-old prayed:
And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service: And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
One bright little girl replied:
Because people are sleeping.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson: If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said:
Ryan, you be Jesus!

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand:
Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked.
He died and went to Heaven, the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said:
Did God throw him back down?

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said: Would you like to say the blessing?
I wouldn't know what to say, the girl replied.
Just say what you hear Mommy say, the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said:
Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?


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Soccer Fever Tribute

If you're a soccer (or the "real" football) fan you'd make sense out of these nicknames given to some of the most famous football players:

Edson Arantes do Nascimento = Pele
(Used to pretend he was a goal-keeper and would say, 'I'm am Bile' -name of a goal-keeper of those times, after each save. 'Pele' came from the wrong pronunciation of 'Bile')

Manoel dos Santos = Garrincha
(One of the greatest forwards to play for Brazil with Pele. 'Garrincha' is the name of a bird that Manoel liked to hunt when he was a child)

Diego Maradona = El Pibe de Oro

Lev Yashin = The Black Spider USSR
(Had the best anticipation ever seen in a goalkeeper)

Franz Beckenbauer = The Kaiser

Gerd Muller = Bomber

Ferenc Puskas = The Galloping Major (A little left footed genius from the famous Hungary side of the early 1950's)

Jack Charlton = The Giraffe

Marco Van Basten = The Swan of Utrecht

Ruud Gullit = Il Tulipo Nero
(The black tulip)

Stuart Pearce = Psycho
(Would run through a brick wall for his team)

Paul Gascoigne = Gazza

David Beckham = Goldenballs
(Named by his wife ' Posh' in her autobiography)

Eusebio = The 'Black Panther'

Zinedine Zidane = 'Zizou'

Kevin Keegan = Mighty Mouse

SOCCER PEARLS:

*It's now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes

*I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in

*It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked

*We have been saying this, both pre-season and before the season started

*But as you know, the result for City is not as bad as it sounds on paper

*Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised

*Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn't one of them

*It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box

*Believe it or not, goals can change a game

*You'll be hoping that this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started

*Ian Durant has grown both physically and metaphorically in the close season

*It will be a shame if either side lose, and that applies to both sides

*Peter Shilton conceded five, you don't get many of those to the dozen

*Everything in our favour was against us

*I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Rumania

*We've got nothing to lose, and there's no point losing this game

*Who ever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins

*I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win

*Here's Brian Flynn. His official height is five feet five and he doesn't look much taller than that

*Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular

*Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and let yourself be buried

*And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last year

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Alan Ford (Italian)

For admirers of this comic no translation is needed. I do hope they will make these cartoons in English, too. Note: Slow load. Give it some time to download before you watch it in one piece.



Briefly about the group TNT:

He vs. She

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some sort people living in the house.

Updated Chicken (crossing the road)

BARACK OBAMA:The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN:My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:Did the chicken cross the road?Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, the chicken crossed the road,But why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die. In the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:Because the chicken was GAY! Can't you people see the plain truth?! That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cr a...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Grandparents (wish mine were still around...)

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
Young grandson called his grandma the other day to wish her Happy Birthday. He asked her how old she was, and she told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
A grandson was visiting one day his grandma when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" She mentally polished her halo while she asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
Little granddaughter may or not had learned her colors yet, so her grandma decided to test her. She would point out something and ask what color it was. The little one was always correct. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When Billy and his grandpa entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep them from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandpa, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When little grandson asked his grandpa how old he was, he teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

Toasters of the future

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to a your belt.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

Charity on the Cutting Edge

"Obviously, this is not as important as helping starving kids in Africa, but it's the same basis.(!!!!) They want to help us out," said Karla Rae Morris, referring to her benefactors who had donated money (two men, over $1,000 each) so that she could afford breast implants, based on arrangements commenced by the Web site MyFreeImplants.com, which facilitates e-mail exchanges and chats for prospective contributors and collects the money until the goal is reached. "It's like donating to any charity," said Morris, of her donors. "You feel like you're doing good."
So, people, do something good for once and help these poor ladies emphasize their assets!

40 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with, once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different

Assignment: Think of a story and then conclude its moral.
Little Suzy:
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
Moral of the story: "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy:
"Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
Moral of the story:"Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
Little Johnny:
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
Moral of the story: "If you mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking - you asked for it!"

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Simon said it

*On his 15 minutes of fame:
My act is going to run out fairly quickly. There's no question of that.
*Describing Marianna Riccio's version of "Should I Stay or Should I Go":
You sounded like Cher after she's been to the dentist.
*Gloating over Sanjaya:
I thought the whole Sanjaya thing was hysterical. I'm happy now because he's out. I don't think I'd be happy if he was in the finals, so I can now be quite smug about it.
*Simon reveals his secret desire for more sass from "Idol" contestants:
I encourage [back talk]. I don't think they do it enough because I think they all think they're going to be voted off if they're rude to me. I think it's the opposite. I think the more rude they are to me, the more votes they'll get .... I think it should be two-way. If I'm rude to them, they're more than entitled to be rude to me back.
*Admitting he isn't always a big fan of his fellow judge:
I don't think Paula will be having my children. Sometimes I just don't like her.
*Explaining how 'American Idol' could have given Britney Spears an extreme makeover:
We will take her under our wing for six months and we will produce a new Britney Spears [We'll] keep her away from her stupid friends [and] buy her some underwear.
*Serving up a rare, if backhanded, compliment to Taylor Hicks:
You're like every dad who's ever got drunk at a wedding ... got on stage and sang. The difference is, you can sing.
*To a tuneless contestant whose green sweater is a fashion no-no
Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean I'm not being rude but you look like the Incredible Hulk's wife.
*Taking down another tuneless wonder:
Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf.
*On why he'll never be father of the year:
I don't want babies the same way I wouldn't want a puppy. It's too much responsibility.
* Revealing he has an unlikely role model:
I actually really like Donald Trump. I think he's entertaining. There are so many unhappy billionaires, and he's a happy one with a great sense of humor. I didn't think I'd like him. I like people [who] don't take themselves too seriously.
*To 'Idol' reject Steve Thoen following an ear-splitting version of 'Bohemian Rhapsody':
It was possibly the weirdest audition I've heard in my life. It was like a 1-year-old singing that song. It was weird. It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100 meter sprint. I may be a great coach, but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it. This is just ridiculous, if you don't mind me saying.
*Rationalizing the agonizing reign of Sanjaya:
I like crazy. The panel is wacky, and therefore I think the contestants should be a bit strange as well.
*Explaining his plain-talking methods:
All we're doing is telling people who don't have a chance in hell that they don't have a chance in hell.
*Admitting he missed a great opportunity:
I was once offered money to judge somebody in bed, a couple. And I stupidly turned it down. It was about 100 grand, and I should have taken the money, because it would be a much more interesting story.

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You want it - You got it!

Jarrett Loft, 28, of Guelph, Ontario, had committed seven incidents of approaching women and asking to be kicked in the groin. He pleaded guilty to one count and was sentenced to 60 days in jail. There was no explanation for his behavior, other than that he was "curious." One victim, saying that she feared what Loft might do if she refused, repeatedly kicked him between the legs, after which he thanked her and rode off on his bicycle.

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Monday, Monday...

*If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
*A journey of a thousand miles begins with Dad saying, 'I know a shortcut.'
*You don't pay taxes; they TAKE taxes.
*The greatest right in the world is the right to be wrong.
*Bad weather reports are more likely to be accurate than good weather reports.
*The reason the rich are stingy is the reason they are rich.
*A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.
*He who hesitates is not only lost, but is miles from the next exit.
*I am so broke my only assets are my frequent-flyer points and rollover minutes.
*Whatever hits the fan . . .won't spread evenly.
*Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.
*There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
*There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
*No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
*Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
*One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job.
*The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
*Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
*I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
*The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: 'Due unto others.'
*An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
*The best things in life are free ...or have no interest or payments for one full year.

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Young At Heart

Now this had put a smile on my face (it has been awhile...)when I saw the clip on TV.

It's about a film following group of U.S. senior citizens belting out songs like Should I Stay or Should I Go, I Feel Good...
Heartfelt, funny,...amazing!

See sample HERE.

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Dear Abby...

True letters to advice columnist, "Dear Abby":

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything - and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered - I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex - and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Dear Abby,
I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?
Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
Dear Abby,
Are birth control pills deductible? KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.
Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
Dear Abby,
Do you think about dying much? CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
Dear Abby,
Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.
Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write? TED
DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
Dear Abby,
When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you"? RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.
Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

Justice For All

Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer - Will Rogers
There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable - Robert Smith Surtees
Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same - Benjamin Franklin
Law school has been described as a place for the accumulation of learning. First-year students bring some in; third-year students take none away. Hence it accumulates - Unknown
Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them - William Goldsmith A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns - Mario Puzo
The one great principle of English law is to make business for itself - Charles Dickens
Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers - Elbert Hubbard
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth - Patrick Murray
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing - Will Rogers
An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer - Unknown
A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it to himself - Henry Bougham