Brain Cramps

*Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

*I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body, - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

*Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

*That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it, -A congressional candidate in Texas .
*Half this game is ninety percent mental. -Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

*I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .-Dan Quayle

*We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?-Lee Iacocca

*The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

*We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

*Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.-Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

*If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Did I read that right?

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)