From real résumés and cover letters

'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'
'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'
'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'
'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'
'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'
'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'
'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'
'Let's meet , so you can ' ooh' and ' aah' over my experience.'
'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'
'Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.'
'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'
'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'
'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'
'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '
'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'